


The Terribly Talented and Troublesomely Terrific Trio

by Teleportation_Magic



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: BAMF Cooper Barton, BAMF Lila Barton, BAMF Nathaniel Barton, Crack, Don't Examine This Too Closely, Exasperated Tony Stark, Family Feels, Gen, He'd just like to reiterate that, He's dragged into this, Humour, I repeat, because it ws fun, i think, none of this is his fault, this is not a good fic, this si not a good fic, why did I write this, with a bit of - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-26
Updated: 2020-02-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:13:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22906045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Teleportation_Magic/pseuds/Teleportation_Magic
Summary: Dad and Wanda are in some sort of prison and that really just won't stand.
Relationships: Clint Barton & Cooper Barton, Clint Barton & Lila Barton, Cooper Barton & Lila Barton & Nathaniel Pietro Barton, Cooper Barton & Lila Barton & Nathaniel Pietro Barton & Tony Stark, Cooper Barton & Wanda Maximoff, Lila Barton & Wanda Maximoff
Kudos: 14





	The Terribly Talented and Troublesomely Terrific Trio

**Author's Note:**

> Again, just to repeat - this fic is ridiculous. Good writing, abandon thee hopes here.

Lila knows something is wrong.

She knows Daddy has to leave every now and then - it was to do his super awesome avengering. And Wanda left to do super awesome avengering too. With Auntie Nat!

But there was something wrong. Something really, really wrong.

And Lila was gonna find out.

The first thing she did was ask Cooper. Usually the first thing she did was ask Mummy or Daddy, but Daddy wasn’t here and Mummy was very, very sad and Lila didn’t want to make her any more sad. Then she’d ask Wanda or Auntie Nat. If no one knew anything, then and only then, she asked Cooper.

“They locked dad up.”

Lila’s brain screeched to a halt “What?”

“And Wanda too.” Clint says it causally. Lila can hear that he’s angry. Like, really, _really_ angry. Cooper didn’t really get angry, not like she did. Daddy always said she got his temper.

“I’m gonna rescue them.”

Lila feels her heart stop for a moment. “Mom’ll kill us.”

Copper tilted his chin up. “Mom can do whatever she wants if we rescue Dad.”

Lila purses her lips, before throwing up her hands. “Alright.” She stomps over to the corner of her room and packs her stuff.

When they leave, they hear Nate babbling. Cooper and Lila look at each other, before grabbing him and his bag too. Cooper hopped into the driver’s seat and pushes in the pedal.

“Where are we going?” Lila asks. Cooper takes the key out of the bag and puts it in the car. He revved the engine before responding.

“Dad said that he’d be heading to Stark Tower - I overheard him with Mum. We’re going there. I’ll talk to Mr. Stark while you find where they are.”

So that’s what Lila did. When they got to Stark Tower, the three of them snuck in, Lila tapping away at the keypad so the door would open up. Copper was carrying Nate this time, since she had to figure everything out. The computer was surprisingly useful, since it had a full map of the entire building. She knew she had to head to one of the top rooms, that Mr. Stark had all his personal stuff and hidden stuff on that computer.

They were so close, a couple rooms away, when they stop. Mr. Stark was in front of them.

“Um. Hey. What exactly are you guys doing here? Wait you’re kids. Wait, you’re Barton’s kids.” Mr. Stark’s eyes went wide and he took a step back. Cooper turned his eyes to Tony and started talking.

“Mr. Stark! Dad told us about you. Apparently you build stuff? I was wondering what kind of stuff - it’s is just the suits and robots? Or is it other stuff? Anyways, where did you decide to start making that kind of stuff? I really don’t know what kind of things I want to make, I really don’t.” While Cooper was babbling and Mr. Stark couldn’t stop staring at him, Lila started tapping away at the console.

“Like robots look cool and all, but Mum’s a doctor, and I kinda wanna be a doctor too sometimes, ya know?” Oh! There was someone in the computer! Lila sighed, before changing her course. “Can you let me talk to Bruce Banner? I know he’s isn’t actually a doctor, but he does a lot of doctor stuff, and I really wanna know what it’s like.” Lila smiled when she saw a picture of daddy and Wanda. Yay! She did it! “Mum’s amazing and all, but Mr. Bruce worked in India. That’s super cool.” Lila looked at where it was. It was underwater. She rolled her eyes, before putting a few commands into the computer that would make Daddy and Wanda rise out of the water on their own. “Have you ever been to India? Dad said he’s been once, but Dad said that Santa’s real, so who really knows.” But wait. No. They’d know, then. She set it to rise on a command, and hooked her iPad up with the system. “Dad told us this one time you guys fought a slime monster! That sounds super cool!” Lila made one of Mr. Stark’s helicopters open up. She really wanted to drive it, but she might crash it.

Lila sighed.

Nate was so lucky.

She signaled Cooper, who grinned before turning to Mr. Stark and saying “I loved talking to you. I hope we’ll see you again!” Cooper smiled again, before Lila slid next to him and they walked out.

Mr. Stark shook his head, almost like he was waking himself up, before running in between them and the door. “Wait.” He said. “I just can’t - you’re kids. What are you doing?”

“Daddy and Wanda are in jail.” Lila said sweetly. “But Daddy needs to come home.”

“He promised to take us water skiing.” Cooper said. “So we have to get him out.”

“And” Lila said, “Wanda’s awesome. So we have to get her out too.”

Mr. Stark blinked.

“What.”

Cooper rolled his eyes, before brushing past him. Lila followed him, but not before she whispered “Sorry” to Mr. Stark. He wasn’t really mean, he was just being an adult. But then Mr. Stark grabbed Coop’s shoulder and pulled him back so Lila had to go back, and this was taking _way too long._

“Stop.” He said. He looked like he was panicking. “What are you planning?”

Cooper looked at Lila, before making his eyes big and soft. “We’re gonna go to the prison. Then we’re going to let him out.”

Mr. Stark spread his arms out in between the doorway. “I’m sorry,” he said “but your dad would literally kill me if I let you do this. Wait, no. Your Aunt would kill me if I let you do this.”

Lila turned her head up. “Wait, do you know where Auntie Nat is?”

Mr. Stark pinched his forehead, before sighing. “No. Nobody knows where your Auntie Nat is unless she tells them.”

“Aw.” Lila says.

Cooper gives him a sweet smile. “Mr. Stark, this is really important. You have to let us go.”

“No I don’t.” Mr. Stark said.

Cooper and Lila looked at each other, before shrugging. Cooper walked up to Mr. Stark, and Mr. Stark out his arm in front of him.

“Look, bud, I’m going to stop the two of you right here, and I’ll call your mum, okay?”

Nate giggles before batting at him.

Tony flew across the room.

“Nate.” Lila “your not supposed to do that.”

“What is the kid doing?” Mr. Stark said. “What - how - Why?”

“I’m really sorry Mr. Stark.” Cooper said. “But we’re going now.” Lila looked back at Mr. Stark.

“If you want, you can come!” She beamed at him, and he rested his tired, frantic eyes to her. Cooper gave her a stink eye. Lila smiled back at him, before grabbing the helicopter keys out of Coopers bag.

* * *

“Why,” Mr. Stark said, “is there a kracken outside the RAFT?”

Nate was giggling, and every now and then he’d hit a button on the console

Cooper says “someone doesn’t want us to reach dad and Wanda.”

Lila looked at me. I waved awkwardly back. Lila sighed.

“That person is being mean.”

“Who?”

“Her!” She made eye contact with me.

Mr. Stark looked at Lila like she had been fully immersed in a vat of insanity. Lila sighed at him.

“Are you absolutely sure that’s a kracken? It might just be like... a hologram. Or something. Like some sort of Star Wars ‘I need your help Obi-Wan Kenobi’ thing.”

The kracken dived back down, before emerging with a shark. It ate it in one bite, before throwing the skeleton.

Nate managed to swerve the helicopter around it, but one bone smacked against the window. Tony shrieked, and Cooper sighed, before Nate smacked a button on the keyboard. The wipers turned on, and the bone tumbled to the ocean below, on which it landed with a loud splash.

Mr. Stark collapsed onto his seat and put his hands in his head. Nate looked at Lila, and Lila rapped through her iPad. She tapped a button and the thing started rising, but she realized that she made a mistake.

Cooper was staring over her shoulder and sighed. Lila turned to him, and she almost punched him in the arm. “Hey! This isn’t easy, you know.” She should have made sure she could open the doors with the iPad, but she couldn't get through to the system now, she didn't have any WiFi.

Cooper just rolled his eyes. “Just tell Nate what you gotta do.”

Nate squealed.

“You gotta descend until I can plug this into the structure.”

Nate giggles, before whacking the joystick, and hitting another button. The walls turn sky blue as they swerve to the tower at the top of the structure.

Mr. Stark is looking wide eyed at Nate. “I _knew_ you were agents. Barton never denied it. _Barton never denied it._ ”

“We’re not agents, technically.” Cooper said. “We don’t work for anyone.”

“But ourselves.” Lila butted in.

“But ourselves.” Cooper agreed. “We’re self taught too, so it balanced out.”

“Self taught?” Mr. Stark sounds a little dazed. “You broke into the systems of the United States Government. You broke into _my_ computer systems!”

“Lila’s very good.” Cooper offers. Lila agrees. She is.

And the she remembers that Daddy and Mr. Stark where friends, and _oh, no._ “You can’t tell Dad.”

“What.”

“Or Mom.” Cooper chimes in.

“Or Auntie Nat.”

“Especially not Auntie Nat.”

“They’d kill us.”

“ _She’d_ kill us.”

“Wait, you mean they don’t know?”

“Of course not,” Cooper scoffs at him, and Lila agrees. That was very stupid to think. They hop off at the top of the building, with a small place to land right next to a wall that led straight into the building. She sees Mr. Stark study the place dubiously, and she thinks he might be taking out the super-cool Ironman suit.

“How are you not gonna slip off?” And that was a dumb question. Lila sighs, before going to the duffel bag they had packed and pulling out a pair of heavy duty shoes. With a good grip. Cooper shoves them on his feet before walking to the metal wall, Nate in hand.

Nate bats the metal. The prison flies open.

“Nice job Nate!” Cooper says. He tucks him under his arm, another bag under the other, and turns to Mr. Stark.

“Coming?”

Mr. Stark looks out into the sea for a second, before throwing the boots on.

"Yeah. Sure. Why not?" He hopped off the helicopter. It hovers there, waiting for their return.

“Mister Stark, you’re gonna go with Nate and Cooper. I’m staying here, and hacking into the main console.

Mr. Stark looks at Lila once. Lila gives him a big smile. Cooper gives him a serious face, and hands him Nate.

Mr. Stark picks the baby up.

“Here.” Cooper tossed Mr. Stark a gun. “It has tranqs in it. I’ll distract, you shoot. Got it?”

Mr. Stark looks down at the gun, before holding it up and wrapping a finger around the trigger and walking behind Cooper. He took another step forward before stopping. “This is actually stupid.” He tapped his gauntlet, and Lila saw the suit grow around him and it was actually kinda cool, with all the moving parts and everything but it stops once it reaches down his arm. He stares at it, and taps it again. It doesn’t move.

“I forgot the rest of it, didn’t I?” It is a rhetorical question. Lila tells him yes, anyways. He sighs, before grabbing the gun in his recessive hand. He twirls it around twice, and Cooper sighs.

Lila gave him one look, before looking at the duffel bag.

“Oh yeah!” Cooper took Nate and put him in the ground, before grabbing a long black dress out of the bag, along with a pair of shoes and a headscarf. He put the shoes on Nate’s feet, and then Nate lifts him over his head. Cooper drapes the dress over themselves, before wrapping the headscarf around his face. There is a small metal piece that he slips into his mouth, just to make sure Dad wouldn't figure out it was him. Lila made it herself, and she was very proud.

Cooper passes her a pair of stilts, and a jumpsuit, and she throws it on. It fits perfectly, and while the balance is a bit tricky, she can run in it after a few walks to and from the room.

Mr. Stark was clearing his eyes. Cooper gave him a gesture, before they headed down the hallway. He stops and tossed Lila a converter from the bag, before continuing.

Lila plugs her iPad into the console, and she starts tapping away at it.

Cooper was looking out for guards.

Mr. Stark was behind him and staying in the shadows. Shock of all shocks, Cooper found a guard.

“Who are you, and what are you doing here?”

“Well, that’s an interesting question, because isn’t here relative? Since everything moves, you know, since the universe moves, isn’t here already in the past and gone? It’s impossible to say here then - but you can give me coordinates, since those are relative to the earth and stay fixed. Like, the shot you take with vague language isn’t worth the potential risk –“ the guard collapsed.

Cooper grinned at Mr. Stark. “I knew you could do this!”

“Kid.” Mr. Stark looked at Cooper flatly. “I’ve been fighting crime since you were a baby.”

Cooper smiled at Mr. Stark, before idly tossing back, “Don’t tell dad. About any of this.” Cooper tilts his head. “He won’t believe you anyways.” And Mr. Stark’s face twisted, and Cooper felt very happy for a moment. And then it passed.

Nate’s small feet jogged forward, and Cooper made sure he kept his delicate balance. Mr. Stark followed until they finally make it to the room that Lila had been leading them to, with all the doors open and all the other doors shut. Even as people try banging against them.

It’s a relief when they find Dad and Wanda. Wanda’s still hunched over, arms around her chest, while Dad's pacing. He shoots Mr. Stark a look, and Mr. Stark almost takes a step back from the sheer rage in that glare.

“Did you think you were welcome here?” Dad drawls and boy does he look angry at Mr. Stark. He winces a bit before Dad snorts, and his eyes run over everything else in the room, before the widening on Cooper. “You again?”

“You saved my life.” Cooper said, but he took care to change the voice converter on his throat so that Dad wouldn’t know it was him. It was satisfying to watch Mr. Stark do a double take. “I owe you a debt.”

Dad snorted. “You’ve paid it. Several times over.” He gives Cooper a half grin and turns away from Mr. Stark. “In fact, I’m starting to think these are just excuses to see me again.”

For a little while, a tiny little while, it was. Not that Cooper would ever tell Dad that, or even Lila. After it became a fun way to spend their time, especially when Lila got old enough to actually do her own thing.

Cooper snorted and began undoing the lock. Dad stood up and stretched once the locked clicked, and he gave Cooper a thankful look, before giving Mr. Stark a measured one. It was always weird, looking at his Dad when his Dad didn’t know it was him. He plucked the key out of the lock and started working on Wanda’s.

“Stay back.” Clint says, and Cooper startles because he hadn’t heard him come this close. “After I free her, her magic might be... a bit on the wilder side. It won’t hurt me, but it probably will you.”

When the door finally swings open, Cooper gasps. Wanda had a dead eyed stare, and she wasn’t moving, even as Clint bent next to her and took the collar off. He undid the buckles on the straightjacket, and Cooper saw his fingers twitch in what looked like anger, the same way his fingers would twitch whenever some guy on the television came on. Lila’s fingers would twitch the same way too, and when she was younger she’d hit Cooper but then Mom got angry at her so she said sorry and she stopped doing it.

And then between one moment and the next Wanda’s magic snapped out and enveloped Clint.

He was in the air. Bright red strings of magic had lifted Dad right off the ground and for the first time in a long time Cooper was genuinely scared. It is amazing how Dad manages to keep his voice calm, manages to keep himself steady when he says, “It’s alright Wanda. It’s okay. You’re safe.”

She shuddered, before exhaling and letting his legs fall to the floor. They stood up slowly, and Clint braced her against him. She took small hesitant steps. Cooper took the key from him and undid the other prison doors, before waking them all up. Cooper would never admit it, but it was satisfying watching the dude with a beard jolt in awakening with a list of swear words. He’d never heard some of those before.

He couldn’t use any of them. Auntie Nat would _find out._

They snuck out. Cooper was careful, and cautious, and thankfully they didn’t run into anyone else, at least not anyone in the hallways. They passed by someone behind a door with a laser drill, slowing carving a hole out of the door. They speed up when they pass him, and he speeds up when he hears their footsteps. Cooper pushes them all in front of a door and they hear the _clang_ of the door falling just as the door behind them slams shut.

Lila looked up and a deep voice echoed from her.

“Hop in the bird.”

Clint lifted Wanda up into the thing, and the other three climbed in behind them. Nate jumped them both up, and Lila tapped a few keys before jumping in behind them. Nate took Cooper to the cockpit, and they shut the door behind them, before Cooper picked Nate up and set him in the pilot’s seat.

Nate batted at the control panel, and they were moving away.

They dropped Mr. Wilson off first. He was joining Cap in some freelancing vigilantism, and Lila wanted to join him, but Cooper gave her A Look, and her shoulders dropped.

Then they dropped Mr. Lang off. His daughter was quite happy to see him. There was no record in the system of him having to be taken in, indeed, Lila smiled, it would be like he was completely exonerated. Not enough for forever, but enough for a long time.

Then they dropped Mr. Stark off.

“Tony!” A woman with red hair was screaming at him. “Where have you been, there’s been a media circus, apparently there was a breakout from the RAFT-“ she saw the helicopter. Lila waved.

She stared for half a second, before grabbing Mr. Stark hand just as he started to say “I swear, Pep, I have a wonderful explanation, just gimme a sec-“

“Give you a second?” Pepper responded. Lila couldn’t hear the rest of their reply over the spinning blades of helicopter. They landed in town, about ten miles away from home, and dropped Dad and Wanda off.

“Thank you for your help.” Dad said. “I’m really glad for it.”

“It’s no problem, sir.” Dad gave him a gentle smile. Lila nodded, and Cooper applied the cloaking on the helicopter and they flew off.

They raced back home.

Nate shoves the helicopter deep into the woods. They destroyed it - Nate turned it into a piece of scrap metal and Cooper took some silent grenades out of the bag, before chucking them at it. The helicopter went up with a quiet kaboom! and the three of them took out some marshmallows and sticks and roasted a couple before hiking back into the Barton residence.

They heard Mom and Dad panicking in the doorway. “Ross doesn’t have them, Laura, he doesn’t know enough.”

“But what if, Clint? What if he figures out through some other channel or Stark spilled something else or any number of possibilities?”

And Lila gave Cooper an awkward look before knocking on the door twice. Clint lunged for the door before opening it.

“You three are alright,” Clint was staring at the frantically, before pulling the three of them into the house and he started babbling like he was Cooper, he was all like _what happened to you_ , and _what’s been going on_ and _where have you been._

Mom was crying. Cooper flinched a little.

“We’re really sorry!” Lila cries, “We just wanted to go out into the woods because we were so sad, and Nate wanted to go to, and we ended up getting really, really lost.”

“You’ve been gone for six hours!” Mom looked kinda angry and Mom didn’t get angry so that was worrying. “Six hours!”

“Is Wanda back too?” Cooper blurs out, and they see Clint take a breath.

“Yes. But-”

“Dad, can we please spend time with her? Please? She needs someone to cheer her up!”

“Cooper, I - ”

“Coopers right.” Lila squares her shoulders and makes herself look really, really tall. “I wanna just spend some time with you and Wanda.”

Cooper’s lip was wobbling a little bit, and Mom knelt before opening her arms and the five of them collapsed into a hug.

“Oh Cooper.” She was crying, but Lila was crying and Cooper was crying and Dad was crying and Nate would probably be crying too if he knew what was going on. “I’m so happy we’re all alright.”

Dad cleared the tears form his eyes, before looking at Cooper and Lila In The Eyes. “I’ll drop it for today because of everything that happened, alright? But we’re gonna have a talk about it tomorrow.”

The two of them nodded quickly, and then the five of them were squeezing their way into Wanda’s room. She startled upwards, looking at all of them.

“Wanda?” Dad’s voice was super strong, like it’d been back in the RAFT. “Is it okay if we all spend some time together?”

Wanda froze for a second, before her head jerked up and down. Dad took a tiny step forward before she burst into tears. And then Dad was crying a little bit and Lila was crying and Mom and Cooper were crying and they all ended up in a hug on the bed, curled up into one another, with Nate babbling in his baby-tongue.

And everything was back where it should be.

**Author's Note:**

> Again, there is nothing good about this fic. This is me just having a lot of fun with an idea that flew into my head on the wings of a particularly drunk pigeon.


End file.
